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Manning the MLS preview and prediction watchtower

Mar 9, 2012, 8:00 PM EDT

New York Red Bulls midfielder Lindpere challenges Pumas UNAM's Veron in the second half of their friendly soccer match in Phoenix Reuters

Secret to life: You should take what you do in this world seriously … but never take yourself too seriously.

I’d say the talented pranksters over at The Shinguardian get it about right.

Great site. Some good laughs. Glorious pop culture references. All built on a sturdy and bountiful foundation of thoughtful analysis when it comes to the beautiful game.

I won’t go so far as to say that “If you only read one MLS preview, make it this one.”  Then again, if I had said that, it would hardly qualify as my worst moment in life.

Oh, if you like a little more meat in your stew, there’s plenty of “the serious” out there. You can find solid sentence structure and ample info (facts, figures, predictions, the whole nine analytical yards) at all the usual soccer stops along the Cyber Express.  You know where they are.  If you don’t have time to digest a Hungry Man’s portion of online material before tomorrow’s MLS first kick (#CantWait!) may I suggest you have a listen to MLS Extra Time (click the March 5 edition).

But for a perfectly balanced cocktail of entertaining enlightenment, you could do a lot worse than the gentlemen of Shinguardian and what they have cooked up. It’s clever stuff – but, again, not merely comic relief. For instance:

The “I should’ve been a DP” award

Jay Bell: Joel Lindpere. New York’s talisman will vastly outshine Marquez yet again, proving that $6 million more per year does not make someone a better player.

Biggerstaff: Javi Morales, who I am least 51% convinced is not a DP and am at least 51% convinced should be a DP. RSL will do some work this year in all competitions.

JRodius: Edson Buddle – by the end of the season he will look a steal at $200k.

Price: This is the Joel Lindpere story.

TSG: Taylor Twellman? So last decade. Andrew Wenger.  1st draft pick. Duke education. Montreal strip joints? Wait, son, you ARE a designated player. Big, big, big And again, it’s not just

Couldn’t. Agree. More. On Joel Lindpere that is. Talk about the straw that stirs the Red Bulls midfield, and someone who has every right to have his soccer shorts in a twist about the club’s raging salary inequities. Lindpere earns so much less money, and yet does more work for the Red Bulls midfield during pregame warmups than Marquez does over all 90 minutes. (I know I promised to lay off Marquez already, but I retain the right to hammer away at his on-field quality.) Heck, when it comes to tracking and tackling and doing the dirty work in the center of the park, Teemu Tainio looks like Michael freakin’ Essien compared to Marquez. (Marquez also earned a couple of panel votes as Most Overrated; I’ll have a quiet word with the three panelists who aimed their poison pens elsewhere in that category.)

I can’t quite get on board with Jay Bell’s choice of Benny Feilhaber as Best American this year in MLS. He’s gonna leave a mark on some teams, for sure. But won’t a certain Landon “Toffeeman” Donovan have something to say about that?

And one other little nitpicky thing: I was slightly surprised there wasn’t just a little more love in the Shinguardian preseason opus for Seattle Sounder mighty mite Osvaldo Alonso. Just when I thought I was making some headway on my one-man mission to get people to stop calling the Sounders’ midfield destroyer “underrated,” evidence drops that he might actually still be a little … nah, never mind.  He’s not underrated. Forget I even went there.