Skip to content

Missing Passages from ‘Jag ar Zlatan’: Appendix I, things Ibrahimovic hates

May 7, 2012, 8:59 PM EDT

Zlatan autobiography

Unfortunately for readers of Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s awesomely outrageous autobiography (published in Italian and Swedish in late 2011), our traditional, “human” book format couldn’t contain all of his greatness. Even the English translation included in his iPad app proved too restrictive, leaving literally millions of passages on the proverbial cutting room floor. Thankfully, ProSoccerTalk has recovered one of these curiously-timed passages:

Of course, while I was telling this man how he should write my book, we would often talk about the many things that are wrong with the world. Often, it can be a sad, sad place. But Zlatan is not a sad man, and to give something to the fans that is about anything but my perpetual success would be wrong.  The book must tell the true story of the best player in the world.

But then we thought: Would history look kindle on us if we chose to keep any of Zlatan’s beliefs from his fans? I played the role of history and answered the question: No, I would not.

Once my writer told me about appendices and I agreed they should be a real thing, it made sense to list all the world’s wrongs in one place. Please, do not blame me for their existence. Blame yourselves.

There are exactly 10 problems with the world:

1. Dwelling on titles – I hate this. I don’t prioritize winning league titles (never have) which is why I decided not to win the scudetto in 2012. Yes, it was my decision (the coverage will say otherwise). It made me sick, hearing so many people talking about Zlatan finished first for almost 10 straight years. Soccer is not about individual accomplishments. That title streak had to go.

2. Diego Milito – He’ll always be Rebound to me. If a hat trick in a Milan derby was so important, why hasn’t anybody bothered to do it 62 years? Some questions are so obvious, they don’t have to be asked. Milito will always be the player you buy after Zlatan tells you he’s leaving. Milan will call him soon.

3. 12-yard penalty kicks – Boring. I hate them. There is no honor from making a penalty kick from only 12 yards away. It’s emotional seppuku. Once, I saw Rebound convert two in a Milan derby. Could he do the same from the top of the arc? 22 yards is nothing for Zlatan. Can Rebound say the same?

4. Coachella – Seriously. It’s horrible. I hate it so much. They asked if they could use Zlatan’s likeness for a hologram that would play lead guitar during Radiohead’s set. I said, “Please wait until I’m dead to destroy my soul.” I made $12,000,000 last year and can’t justify spending two krona on that jaded cash trap.

5. Your fake blog that thinks I know the future – Stop being stupid. I hate you. If, in theory, I knew the future, I would not be able to tell anybody. As any young boy trying to hide his comic books from Sanela knows, superpowers can’t be flaunted. You have to live lonely and isolated knowing you can never share your true self with the world. Zlatan is not lonely and isolated, therefore Zlatan can’t tell the future. Flawless logic.

6. Knowing the future – It’s lonely. And isolating. I hate it.

7. Not being able to tell people about being bought by Real Madrid – Silvio doesn’t know this yet, but I have decided I will must bring the decima to Real Madrid. My powers transcend Mourinho’s, so it only makes sense. I already sent a text to the Philosopher saying “Oh, please stay at Barça one more year. You’re my hero and” blah, blah, blah – it didn’t work. I knew it wouldn’t, of course. Sigh.

8. Gigi Buffon – That Buffon failed to thank me for Juventus’s scudetto is very painful. He thanked Alessandro, Pavel, David. He even acknowledged Mauro, whose hair was so inferior to Zlatan’s that he eventually cut it. How can Buffon not see that I wanted Juventus to win? I hate him. How else would they have won?

9. IKEA – I am Swedish. That doesn’t mean I know how to put together that couch. It’s furniture for university kids. I am a soccer icon. I’m tempted to buy the company just so I can hide all the screws. I so hate screws.

10. Playing for Sweden – I was forced to decline an invitation to hunt white tigers from helicopters because Sweden has qualified for Euro 2012. I hate this, though hunting with weapons was starting to bore me. I have been told there’s a new documentary were a child uses a bow and arrow to battle other children? Clearly my crossbow has become passé.

I know there are many things in your life that you hate, but I allow myself only 10. I am Zlatan. Of course.

Latest Posts
  1. Real Madrid’s Perez says De Gea move failed because Manchester United lacks transfer “experience”

    Sep 4, 2015, 8:22 AM EDT

    Perez says a move that should’ve taken an hour “took eight”, and blasted the Red Devils’ chairman by using examples from 2013.

  2. Providence and its big American striker Mac Steeves are off to a red-hot start (video)

    Sep 4, 2015, 8:00 AM EDT

    PC Men's soccer versus Monmouth, Aug. 30, 2015. (Photo/Stew Milne) PC Men's soccer versus Monmouth, Aug. 30, 2015. (Photo/Stew Milne)

    A 6-foot-4 American striker has Providence aiming for another College Cup, and U.S. Soccer fans on notice.

  3. Now flush with “Candy Crush” cash, Derby County aiming for Premier League return

    Sep 3, 2015, 9:39 PM EDT

    Derby County v Reading - Capital One Cup Third Round Getty Images

    As it turns out, Candy Crush was worth a lot of money. So much money, in fact, that Mel Morris bought his boyhood football club.

  4. Preview: USMNT to face Peru in tune-up for CONCACAF playoff vs. Mexico

    Sep 3, 2015, 8:37 PM EDT

    Panama v United States: Third Place - 2015 CONCACAF Gold Cup Panama v United States: Third Place - 2015 CONCACAF Gold Cup

    The USMNT returns to action for the first time since finishing fourth at the 2015 Gold Cup. Their playoff vs. Mexico is 37 days away.

  5. Italy’s Serie B to introduce “green cards” for good behavior this weekend

    Sep 3, 2015, 6:45 PM EDT

    Modena FC v AC Cesena - Serie B Playoffs Getty Images

    This weekend, referees will begin dishing out green cards, which mean absolutely nothing.

  6. EURO 2016 qualifying roundup: Iceland beat Netherlands (again), are all but qualified

    Sep 3, 2015, 5:55 PM EDT

    Gylfi Sigurdsson, Iceland & Swansea City FC Gylfi Sigurdsson, Iceland & Swansea City FC

    Tiny, tiny Iceland are all but qualified for next summer’s EUROs after beating the might Netherlands…again.

  7. England U-21s 1-0 USA U-23s: Defeat in England as Olympic qualifying looms

    Sep 3, 2015, 4:51 PM EDT

    Mario Rodriguez, USMNT U-23 Mario Rodriguez, USMNT U-23

    With Olympic qualifying less than a month away, final tune-ups are underway for the US U-23 squad.

  8. If you’ve ever criticized Jurgen Klinsmann or his USMNT, you don’t understand soccer

    Sep 3, 2015, 4:20 PM EDT

    Jurgen Klinsmann, USMNT Jurgen Klinsmann, USMNT

    Jurgen Klinsmann’s latest comments confirm what we’ve assumed all along: he believes he is immune to criticism.

  9. VIDEO: Should we be worried about Manchester United after huge overhaul?

    Sep 3, 2015, 2:00 PM EDT

    Manchester United v Newcastle United - Premier League Getty Images

    Red Devils have ripped apart their title-winning team from 2013. Will things settle down anytime soon?

  10. How will USMNT line up in friendly vs. Peru?

    Sep 3, 2015, 1:10 PM EDT

    Cameron-Austria

    Three options for the starting XI at RFK Stadium on Friday.

  11. Bayern Munich to set up refugee “training camp” as humanitarian crisis deepens

    Sep 3, 2015, 11:20 AM EDT

    cd0ymzcznguwzdbhnduynddiytjhm2yyzthlmtjjotqwyyznpwe2ymq2mgvlzdu1owi2mjvkzmiwogy1ztfinwfjy2q5 AP

    German champs taking a stand to help the growing number of asylum seekers arriving in Munich.

  12. VIDEO: Cicerone scores another screamer in college soccer

    Sep 3, 2015, 9:36 AM EDT

    Source: @BullsMensSoccer Source: @BullsMensSoccer

    After his game-winner from halfway last season, Cicerone is at it again.

  13. USMNT move up one spot in latest FIFA World rankings

    Sep 3, 2015, 8:40 AM EDT

    Michael Bradley, USMNT Michael Bradley, USMNT

    Klinsmann’s side move up, but remain out of the top 20.

  14. Premier League Deadline Day podcast

    Sep 2, 2015, 9:57 PM EDT

    DeGea Getty Images

    The NBC Deadline Day show is here in podcast form.

  15. Martial transfer fee from Manchester United trickles down to French lower tier team

    Sep 2, 2015, 9:32 PM EDT

    Martial Getty Images

    A fraction of the transfer fee has made its way to the lower division team in France that helped mold Anthony Martial into the $55 million player he is today.

  16. Men In Blazers Podcast: Deadline Day recap and Chelsea loses again

    Sep 2, 2015, 8:18 PM EDT

    meninblazers

    Rog and Davo break down Chelsea’s loss to Crystal Palace and Swansea’s stylish win over Manchester United. Plus, a recap of transfer deadline day.

Featured video

PST Extra: Analyzing transfer deadline day