May 7, 2012, 8:59 PM EDT
Unfortunately for readers of Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s awesomely outrageous autobiography (published in Italian and Swedish in late 2011), our traditional, “human” book format couldn’t contain all of his greatness. Even the English translation included in his iPad app proved too restrictive, leaving literally millions of passages on the proverbial cutting room floor. Thankfully, ProSoccerTalk has recovered one of these curiously-timed passages:
Of course, while I was telling this man how he should write my book, we would often talk about the many things that are wrong with the world. Often, it can be a sad, sad place. But Zlatan is not a sad man, and to give something to the fans that is about anything but my perpetual success would be wrong. The book must tell the true story of the best player in the world.
But then we thought: Would history look kindle on us if we chose to keep any of Zlatan’s beliefs from his fans? I played the role of history and answered the question: No, I would not.
Once my writer told me about appendices and I agreed they should be a real thing, it made sense to list all the world’s wrongs in one place. Please, do not blame me for their existence. Blame yourselves.
There are exactly 10 problems with the world:
1. Dwelling on titles – I hate this. I don’t prioritize winning league titles (never have) which is why I decided not to win the scudetto in 2012. Yes, it was my decision (the coverage will say otherwise). It made me sick, hearing so many people talking about Zlatan finished first for almost 10 straight years. Soccer is not about individual accomplishments. That title streak had to go.
2. Diego Milito – He’ll always be Rebound to me. If a hat trick in a Milan derby was so important, why hasn’t anybody bothered to do it 62 years? Some questions are so obvious, they don’t have to be asked. Milito will always be the player you buy after Zlatan tells you he’s leaving. Milan will call him soon.
3. 12-yard penalty kicks – Boring. I hate them. There is no honor from making a penalty kick from only 12 yards away. It’s emotional seppuku. Once, I saw Rebound convert two in a Milan derby. Could he do the same from the top of the arc? 22 yards is nothing for Zlatan. Can Rebound say the same?
4. Coachella – Seriously. It’s horrible. I hate it so much. They asked if they could use Zlatan’s likeness for a hologram that would play lead guitar during Radiohead’s set. I said, “Please wait until I’m dead to destroy my soul.” I made $12,000,000 last year and can’t justify spending two krona on that jaded cash trap.
5. Your fake blog that thinks I know the future – Stop being stupid. I hate you. If, in theory, I knew the future, I would not be able to tell anybody. As any young boy trying to hide his comic books from Sanela knows, superpowers can’t be flaunted. You have to live lonely and isolated knowing you can never share your true self with the world. Zlatan is not lonely and isolated, therefore Zlatan can’t tell the future. Flawless logic.
6. Knowing the future – It’s lonely. And isolating. I hate it.
7. Not being able to tell people about being bought by Real Madrid – Silvio doesn’t know this yet, but I have decided I will must bring the decima to Real Madrid. My powers transcend Mourinho’s, so it only makes sense. I already sent a text to the Philosopher saying “Oh, please stay at Barça one more year. You’re my hero and” blah, blah, blah – it didn’t work. I knew it wouldn’t, of course. Sigh.
8. Gigi Buffon – That Buffon failed to thank me for Juventus’s scudetto is very painful. He thanked Alessandro, Pavel, David. He even acknowledged Mauro, whose hair was so inferior to Zlatan’s that he eventually cut it. How can Buffon not see that I wanted Juventus to win? I hate him. How else would they have won?
9. IKEA – I am Swedish. That doesn’t mean I know how to put together that couch. It’s furniture for university kids. I am a soccer icon. I’m tempted to buy the company just so I can hide all the screws. I so hate screws.
10. Playing for Sweden – I was forced to decline an invitation to hunt white tigers from helicopters because Sweden has qualified for Euro 2012. I hate this, though hunting with weapons was starting to bore me. I have been told there’s a new documentary were a child uses a bow and arrow to battle other children? Clearly my crossbow has become passé.
I know there are many things in your life that you hate, but I allow myself only 10. I am Zlatan. Of course.
Jul 6, 2015, 11:10 PM EDT
The youngest ever player to score in Turkey’s Super Lig will now try to find the back of the net at the Etihad.
2015 Gold Cup: With the rest of CONCACAF making strides, this is USMNT’s chance to show they are, too
Jul 6, 2015, 10:14 PM EDT
While the rest of CONCACAF closes the gap on the USA and Mexico, it’s time for the USMNT to show they’re still improving, too.
Jul 6, 2015, 9:56 PM EDT
Are Abby Wambach and Carli Lloyd the next athletes to be seen parading down the Canyon of Heroes?
Jul 6, 2015, 9:12 PM EDT
The only question is, who’s willing to pay the price?
Jul 6, 2015, 8:17 PM EDT
Will Abby Wambach play at the 2016 Olympics in Rio? She hasn’t yet said.
Jul 6, 2015, 7:20 PM EDT
The goalkeeper’s agent has said Casillas would like a move to Portugal, but Real is playing hardball.
Jul 6, 2015, 6:26 PM EDT
In the world of South American football, everything is coming up Chile.
Jul 6, 2015, 5:31 PM EDT
After a failed spell at Tottenham, the French midfielder is now a Hornet.
Jul 6, 2015, 4:37 PM EDT
The Gold Cup kicks off tomorrow as Jurgen Klinsmann and the USMNT look to repeat as champions of CONCACAF.
Jul 6, 2015, 3:43 PM EDT
A strange clause in the contract allows Barca to sell the midfielder back to Atletico by July 20.
Jul 6, 2015, 3:22 PM EDT
Like the heavily-redacted Garcia report, you can’t help but think we won’t have details until we’re watching the court cases and trials of the arraigned.
Jul 6, 2015, 2:19 PM EDT
The striker has signed a three-year deal with the second division side.
Jul 6, 2015, 1:46 PM EDT
The Cosmos B can afford to trot out Nash, considering they are 8-0-1 with a plus-34 goal differential under head coach Alecko Eskandarian.
Jul 6, 2015, 1:09 PM EDT
Plenty of other names are having a waltz through the gossip mill.
Jul 6, 2015, 11:01 AM EDT
Pirlo says an American arrival has been in the cards for a while.
Jul 6, 2015, 10:21 AM EDT
Your move, NYCFC.com. Surely the MLS side is not pleased by the “leak” of the widely-speculated signing, but we bet it’s pretty jazzed to have Pirlo.
Jul 6, 2015, 9:51 AM EDT
Plenty more flag-waving winners, emotional players, and post-World Cup couple smooches leap off the Women’s World Cup wire. Shall we look at a few?
Jul 6, 2015, 9:17 AM EDT
The U.S. women are World Cup champions for the third time thanks to a full team effort that belied its star-first reputation.
Jul 6, 2015, 8:23 AM EDT
CONCACAF lawyer Sam Gandhi’s tone hits all the right conciliatory notes, something that FIFA has been unable to do it in its response under Sepp Blatter.
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