May 7, 2012, 8:59 PM EDT
Unfortunately for readers of Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s awesomely outrageous autobiography (published in Italian and Swedish in late 2011), our traditional, “human” book format couldn’t contain all of his greatness. Even the English translation included in his iPad app proved too restrictive, leaving literally millions of passages on the proverbial cutting room floor. Thankfully, ProSoccerTalk has recovered one of these curiously-timed passages:
Of course, while I was telling this man how he should write my book, we would often talk about the many things that are wrong with the world. Often, it can be a sad, sad place. But Zlatan is not a sad man, and to give something to the fans that is about anything but my perpetual success would be wrong. The book must tell the true story of the best player in the world.
But then we thought: Would history look kindle on us if we chose to keep any of Zlatan’s beliefs from his fans? I played the role of history and answered the question: No, I would not.
Once my writer told me about appendices and I agreed they should be a real thing, it made sense to list all the world’s wrongs in one place. Please, do not blame me for their existence. Blame yourselves.
There are exactly 10 problems with the world:
1. Dwelling on titles – I hate this. I don’t prioritize winning league titles (never have) which is why I decided not to win the scudetto in 2012. Yes, it was my decision (the coverage will say otherwise). It made me sick, hearing so many people talking about Zlatan finished first for almost 10 straight years. Soccer is not about individual accomplishments. That title streak had to go.
2. Diego Milito – He’ll always be Rebound to me. If a hat trick in a Milan derby was so important, why hasn’t anybody bothered to do it 62 years? Some questions are so obvious, they don’t have to be asked. Milito will always be the player you buy after Zlatan tells you he’s leaving. Milan will call him soon.
3. 12-yard penalty kicks – Boring. I hate them. There is no honor from making a penalty kick from only 12 yards away. It’s emotional seppuku. Once, I saw Rebound convert two in a Milan derby. Could he do the same from the top of the arc? 22 yards is nothing for Zlatan. Can Rebound say the same?
4. Coachella – Seriously. It’s horrible. I hate it so much. They asked if they could use Zlatan’s likeness for a hologram that would play lead guitar during Radiohead’s set. I said, “Please wait until I’m dead to destroy my soul.” I made $12,000,000 last year and can’t justify spending two krona on that jaded cash trap.
5. Your fake blog that thinks I know the future – Stop being stupid. I hate you. If, in theory, I knew the future, I would not be able to tell anybody. As any young boy trying to hide his comic books from Sanela knows, superpowers can’t be flaunted. You have to live lonely and isolated knowing you can never share your true self with the world. Zlatan is not lonely and isolated, therefore Zlatan can’t tell the future. Flawless logic.
6. Knowing the future – It’s lonely. And isolating. I hate it.
7. Not being able to tell people about being bought by Real Madrid – Silvio doesn’t know this yet, but I have decided I will must bring the decima to Real Madrid. My powers transcend Mourinho’s, so it only makes sense. I already sent a text to the Philosopher saying “Oh, please stay at Barça one more year. You’re my hero and” blah, blah, blah – it didn’t work. I knew it wouldn’t, of course. Sigh.
8. Gigi Buffon – That Buffon failed to thank me for Juventus’s scudetto is very painful. He thanked Alessandro, Pavel, David. He even acknowledged Mauro, whose hair was so inferior to Zlatan’s that he eventually cut it. How can Buffon not see that I wanted Juventus to win? I hate him. How else would they have won?
9. IKEA – I am Swedish. That doesn’t mean I know how to put together that couch. It’s furniture for university kids. I am a soccer icon. I’m tempted to buy the company just so I can hide all the screws. I so hate screws.
10. Playing for Sweden – I was forced to decline an invitation to hunt white tigers from helicopters because Sweden has qualified for Euro 2012. I hate this, though hunting with weapons was starting to bore me. I have been told there’s a new documentary were a child uses a bow and arrow to battle other children? Clearly my crossbow has become passé.
I know there are many things in your life that you hate, but I allow myself only 10. I am Zlatan. Of course.
Apr 1, 2015, 7:47 PM EDT
This is a strange one: footballer admits to thinking about tweet to critic while still game in which he scored.
Apr 1, 2015, 6:22 PM EDT
A serious knee injury at the business end of the season? Terrible news, though Alaba hopes to return for a pair of cup finals.
Apr 1, 2015, 5:58 PM EDT
The first of CONCACAF’s five WCQ rounds is complete, and there’s a world-famous name leading one Caribbean minnow into the next round.
Apr 1, 2015, 5:15 PM EDT
The USMNT kicks off its 2015 Gold Cup campaign in 97 days. What’s the roster going to look like? Who’s the surprising “ins” and “outs”?
Apr 1, 2015, 3:30 PM EDT
April Fools’ Day jokes — everybody’s got them, and while most aren’t funny, a few people came through with good ones today.
Apr 1, 2015, 3:00 PM EDT
One little magician has been sublime all season. He’s our consensus pick, but who do you choose?
Apr 1, 2015, 2:28 PM EDT
Ribery is a big fan of Hazard. Should the Chelsea wing-wizard replace the Frenchman at Bayern?
Apr 1, 2015, 1:58 PM EDT
PST’s writers select their coach of the year candidate with the end of season awards coming up fast.
Apr 1, 2015, 1:20 PM EDT
Listen to the latest MiB podcast, here.
Apr 1, 2015, 12:58 PM EDT
We select our Young Player of the season. Do you agree with the consensus selection?
Apr 1, 2015, 12:25 PM EDT
Sterling has spoken out about his current contract situation. It’s fascinating stuff.
Apr 1, 2015, 11:20 AM EDT
PST’s writers pick their team of the season, so far… Agree? Disagree?
Apr 1, 2015, 10:35 AM EDT
Which players did themselves the world of good in March for the U.S.? Here’s a gander.
Apr 1, 2015, 9:45 AM EDT
Chairman of Bayern Munich, ECA, believes Blatter is ready to change his ways.
Apr 1, 2015, 9:10 AM EDT
Spurs winger scores stunner to silence doubters. Now, can he keep it up?
Apr 1, 2015, 8:01 AM EDT
Here are the latest rumors involving Premier League clubs.
Mar 31, 2015, 9:26 PM EDT
As bizarre as this is to read, Michael Bradley didn’t register a single helper for the States until 2011. In the Klinsmann era, he has 12.
Mar 31, 2015, 8:07 PM EDT
It was out of character for Altidore, who hadn’t received a red card for club or country since he was with AZ Alkmaar in 2012.
Mar 31, 2015, 7:17 PM EDT
With the deal Porto have turned another big profit. See this incredible list below, as the Portuguese club giants have made close to $423 million.
- What will Jurgen Klinsmann’s USMNT roster look like for 2015 Gold Cup? 1
- April Fools! The top gags that actually fooled soccer fans on this day 4
- PST’s Premier League award predictions: Here’s our Player of the Season 0
- PST’s Premier League award predictions: Here’s our Coach of the Season 0
- PST’s Premier League award predictions: Here’s our Team of the Season 3
- Who were biggest winners, losers from USMNT’s March friendlies? 3