May 2, 2014, 8:25 PM EST
It’s the penultimate weekend in the Premier League and anything can happen. So who better to take a stab at predictions than myself – a notoriously crap gambler with a penchant for picking big time upsets that never pan out.
Have a difference of opinion? Drop some love in the comments.
Let’s do this!
Everton v. Manchester City (Sat 10:00am ET on Live Extra; Goodison Park)
The greatest story of the season won’t be Liverpool winning the title, it’ll be Everton nipping a point off of Manchester City, handing their rivals the title and sparing Stevie G major blushes.
Everton 1 Manchester City 1
Manchester United v. Sunderland (Sat 10:00am ET on NBCSN; Old Trafford)
Wow, never figured I’d be so torn over this fixture… I’m no United fan but I want Giggsy to get the permanent job (even though that’s not happening) AND I want Sunderland to stay up (yes I still have love for Jozy). The difference maker, though, no Roo Roo means no dice for United.
Let’s go upset on this one with New Jersey’s finest netting a brace.
Manchester United 2 Sunderland 3
Newcastle United v. Cardiff City (Sat 10:00am ET on Live Extra; St James’ Park)
Really looking forward to that 69th minute walkout planned by the Geordies. Love the time they’ve chosen as well! No, no you silly sexbots it’s not because of what you’re thinking, it’s because the last time Newcastle won a trophy (the Inter Cities Cup, now Europa League) was in 1969. Duh.
Gonna be weird to see Cardiff win in a stadium filled with only traveling support.
Newcastle 1 Cardiff City 2
Stoke City v. Fulham (Sat 10:00am ET on Live Extra; Britannia Stadium)
My new favorite manager and Warby Parker model, Felix Magath The Cat.
Stoke City 1 Fulham 2
Swansea City v. Southampton (Sat 10:00am ET on Live Extra; Liberty Stadium)
Wilfried Bony, The Thighmaster. That is all.
Swansea City 2 Southampton 2
Chelsea v. Norwich City (Sun 11:00am ET on NBCSN; Stamford Bridge)
Champions League hangover? Cech out? Mourinho and Hazard infighting?!
That’s right people, in honor of my buddy Tusk (legend of the EVS), I’m calling it right here, right now: The strikingly handsome Snodgrass is gonna head into Stamford Bridge and slay the Blue Giant.
Slow clap? Hell yes, slow clap!
Chelsea 2 Norwich City 3
SQUEAKY BUM TIME
West Ham United v. Tottenham Hotspur (Sat 7:45 ET on NBCSN; Upton Park)
This one’s like choosing between beets and carrots in the hot lunch line. Try not to spew.
Both clubs are secure with zero motivation except perhaps to help their manager get the win in the hope it will prevent the summer axe from falling hard… Which it won’t.
Sam. Tim. It’s been real, fellas.
West Ham 1 Tottenham 1
Aston Villa v. Hull City (Sat 10:00am ET on Live Extra; Villa Park)
Put up or shut up time for Villa here and as much as I’d prefer the latter when it comes to listening to Paul Lambert‘s post-match sound, I gotta give the home side the edge.
Aston Villa 1 Hull City 0
Arsenal v. West Bromwich Albion (Sun 8:30am ET on NBCSN; Emirates Stadium)
Arsenal loves dominating teams outside the Top 5.
Arsenal 4 West Brom 0
Crystal Palace v. Liverpool (Mon 3:00pm ET on NBCSN; Selhurst Park)
There’s no scarier place in the Prem to play right now than Selhurst Park. Unless, of course, you have a strong malocclusion, the taped-back ears of a prized pitbull and are in dire need of two goals to set the 38 game Premier League record for goals in a season.
He gets it on Monday. Kiss the wrist.
Crystal Palace 1 Liverpool 4
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